Making Out: The Rules and Regulations

Making out is awesome.  People everywhere agree that it totally rules.  Therefore, when you get the chance to make out with someone who you find attractive, you should do it well and make it count.  No one deserves a bad make out session.  At least I don’t, and that’s why I feel I need to share this.

When you’re making out, you are not competing for more control.  You are also not competing to see who can put their tongue in the other person’s mouth for longer.  There are no awards for the person whose lips completely envelope the other person’s.  There are no awards.

The only rewards in kissing come from the partner-to-partner relationship.  If the other person is especially pleased with your work, they might want to see you again, kiss you more, or even take things to a new level.  If you kiss badly, the other person will be repulsed in every way and they will try to escape immediately.

Here are some kissing tips, straight from my friends, the internet, discotechques, college classes, and everyone else:

1. All kisses should start slow, closed-mouth and simple.  Don’t start with the tongue.  Never lean into a kiss tongue-out.  That’s gross.

*On a side note, this is how my first kiss happened.  The boy leaned in with his tongue out, and I cringed with my mouth closed, and our kiss was basically him pressing his tongue to my tightly shut lips.

2. As you move along to french kisses, do it without attacking.  Be normal.  Use it with careful precision.  You are not eating a soft-serve ice cream cone, you are making out with someone.

3. Use a little pressure; don’t use a ton, but don’t just flop about.

4. If you have a tiny tongue, hide it.  Nobody likes a tiny tongue.

5. Okay, so you’ve seen lip-sucking in movies.  This is for pros.  Don’t just suck someone’s lip; it’s more complicated than that.  You’re allowed to suck a little on a single lip – a little.  It’s meant to be sensual.  Don’t confuse yourself with a Dyson; you don’t get extra points for superior pick-up.

6. Pay attention to your partner.

7. Never lick the face unless you have permission.  Gross.

8. If you try to kiss someone and they “cheek” you (turn to the side so you can only kiss their cheek), don’t try again.

9. Kissing is not a contract.  If you really have to talk someone into it, then they’re not ready and you should stop.

10. If you’re drunk and making out… Well, who knows what’s going on, so whatever.

11. Necks are up for kissing.

12. However, hickeys are ridiculous.  Don’t give hickeys, you jerk.

13. Everyone kisses and tells.  Get over it.

14. If you are in a lake, ocean, river, pool, etc. and the moon is shining, you should probably find someone to make out with soon.

15. Just slow down.  You don’t have to kiss someone with 10 minutes of meeting them.  You don’t have to kiss on a first date.  You’ve got some time; enjoy it.

16. Don’t make out in front of other people, especially children and old folks.

17. Don’t kiss the hand of your waitress.

*This happened to me when I was a waitress; it was awful.  He kissed my hand like four times.

18. If you’re a girl and you’re drunk, don’t kiss another girl for attention from dudes.  It’s trashy and it will only attract trashy dudes.  Making out with girls should be left to straight guys and lesbians.

19. Don’t slobber.  You’re not a dog.  You’re a human.  Remember that.

20. Brush your teeth and use mouthwash.  Dental hygiene is essential for a successful make out.

*However, if you’re drunk, all bets are off.

21. Make out more.  Boom.  It’s awesome.

3 thoughts on “Making Out: The Rules and Regulations

    • Haha! While there are certainly a few strange people who disagree, I hope they someday find the inner strength to accept the beauty, awesomeness and fun of making out. Oh, Matt, lots of people want to make out with you.

  1. Pingback: Making Out… In Public? « ranting & raising concerns

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