Crying.

Crying is healthy, you idiots.  I don’t know why men think it’s something to brag about if they haven’t cried in x number of years, or ever.  I went to a movie earlier, and I cried just little.  I didn’t sob.  I didn’t break down.  I just shed two little tears of emotion, and it felt lovely.  Crying is a normal, healthy release.  It’s cool.  Get over it.

I’m just saying that crying is okay.  Get over it.  Just cry it out!  There’s a reason babies do it all the time.  Listen to the babies.

20 Things I Wish I Could Ask on a First Date

I wish I could ask a lot of questions on first dates, rather than finding this information out later and when it’s far too late.  There are simply too many guessing games when you begin dating, and being able to interrogate each other would really help.  Perhaps online dating is better in the sense that you know certain things ahead of time…  That said, here are the 20 questions I most wish I could ask on first dates and get truthful answers:
  1. Do you live with your parents?  If yes, why?   If this person is over 24, they better have a real damn good reason for living with mama and papa.
  2. How many people have you slept with?  Were you careful or careless?  You gotta avoid the dirty ones.  Plus, the bigger the number, the lower the standards.  Why so many?  Why so few?  This question teaches you so much.
  3. Do you have any STDs/STIs?  DEAL BREAKER
  4. Are you pro-gay rights? And, does anything about the LGBT community make you uncomfortable?   I could not be more pro-gay.  I need someone who is comfortable with and supportive of all things LGBT.
  5. How much time do you actually spend playing video games/watching sports/”Intervention”/”Entourage”/some other obsession?  Know thy enemy.  In this case, you just want to know what you are competing with for their time.  If they regularly stay up all night to watch this or play that, you should get to know now.
  6. Are you an asshole/douchebag/shithead/dick/jerkface?  DEAL BREAKER
  7. Are you afraid of the outdoors, the country, nature and all things rural?  I’m a country girl.  I like camping.  I like hiking in the woods.  I like trees and hills and lakes and rivers.  City slickers beware.
  8. What’s really more important: sex or love?  Compare priorities prior.
  9. Do you enjoy dancing foolishly, or do you feel foolish dancing?  I am not afraid of looking like a weirdo, are you?
  10. Do you fight fair?  Ladies and gentlemen shouldn’t be dating people who go crazy by saying and doing awful things to their partners when they fight.  It is not cool to call each other hurtful names, to throw low-blows, to hit (whether wall or person), to break things, to intimidate, and to lie.  Settle down.  Everyone bickers.
  11. Do you love, hate, mock, or feel ashamed about “Buffy The Vampire Slayer,” “Harry Potter,” “MST3K,” “Angel,” and other amazing, nerdy things?  Again, I am a nerd.  Deal with it.
  12. Would you kill a spider for me?  How scared are you?
  13. Do you make enough money to pay for dinner half the time?  If not, you need a new job.  I’m not looking for a rich person, but I do want to be able to expect that you’ll pay for at least half of our dates.  I’ll pay the other half, obviously.
  14. How often do you read books – not magazines, papers, or blogs?  I read a little of all, but a lot of the book things.  Compatibility is important, y’all.
  15. How often do you brush your teeth and floss?  My chompers are important, and so is your breath.
  16. Is your mom a bitch?   I ask this because it scares me when people think this about their mamas; unless of course, their mom is just especially awful, then they have a point.
  17. Do you have any children?  DEAL BREAKER
  18. Who is god to you?  I gotta watch out for the crazies!
  19. What are the main differences between men and women?  Watch out for sexist answers!
  20. How big is it?  …  No, not that; I meant your ego.

Pick Your Punctuation: one is enough!


.

?

!

These are the three acceptable ways to end a sentence.

!!!

???

Only one of these is acceptable. (Can you guess which?) If you’re going to ask a question or exclaim something, only one of the corresponding marks is really necessary. Three might be, sometimes, maybe acceptable. Such as for a drunken text, or if you just won the lottery (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) Or if you’re referring to the band known as “!!!”

Mixing punctuation marks is a no, no matter what your situation. .! or !. is not acceptable. Are you exclaiming or stating? I’m confused. I think you’re confused, so maybe you should decide and then PICK ONE. Additionally, although it is feasible to both exclaim and state simultaneously (yet without double punctuation), asking a question and making a statement at once is a paradox. Therefore, these

?. / .?

MAKE NO SENSE! And these

.! /!.

ARE EQUALLY STUPID.

 

So do us all a favor and pick your punctuation like you pick a fine wine. Be decisive and selective, because right now, you only get one.

“You and I…” Don’t you mean, “You and ME?”

I love me some Lady Gaga.  She can entertain like nobody else.  I do think she’s gone a little too far over the top, though.  She would be just as impressive with 5 costume changes instead 10.  She would look just as cool in pants.  She would still sound amazing with just a piano.  She’s pretty cool.

That said, I hate grammar mistakes!  I’m sure I make them all the time… well, occasionally.  It upsets me greatly to see a professionally released piece of writing or music with a clear grammatical error.  “You and I” is a prime example.

She sings,

Sit back down on the couch where we
Made love the first time and you said to me

Something, something about this place
Something ‘bout lonely nights and my lipstick on your face
Something, something about my cool Nebraska guy
Yeah something about, baby, you and I

Presumably, this would appear in a complete sentence as follows: “There’s something about you and I, baby.”  This is wrong.  If this were written correctly, it would appear as follows: “There’s something about you and me, baby.”  I know there are people out there who will dispute this because they think a person ought to always say, “You and I,” rather than “You and me.”  These people are wrong; these people are very long.

There is a simple way to test whether a person should should say, “I” or “me” in a given sentence and/or situation.  Try the sentence without the other person.  This means, if you are trying to describe going to the store with your sister, you can first try, “I went to the store.”  Therefore, if you and your sister went, you say, “My sister and I went to the store.”  This also means that if you are trying to say that there is something about you, you would say, “There’s something about me.”  You would not say, “There’s something about I.”  Thus, you would say, “There’s something about you and me.”  You would not and should not say, “There’s something about you and I.”

C’mon, Gaga.  You’re better than that.

 

Red, White, and Screwed

I took the title for this post from one of my favorite stand-up comedians, Lewis Black (are you surprised?). It seemed appropriate for the new attitude I keep seeing on the news and in my community.

Let me begin with this article from the L.A. Times, because everything about it makes me angry. Infuriated, in fact. Called “The Upside to Being ‘Poor'” (yes, poor is in scare quotes there), it highlights what it calls “stereotype-shattering” facts about America’s poor, like the fact that roughly 42% own their own home, most have microwaves and flat screen TVs, and a lot of poor kids have Xboxes. An article from the website good.is gives an interesting counter-perspective to this, in which the writer sought out the prices for many of the goods mentioned in the Times article, and found he could buy them all for roughly $375.

But beyond this, what is more disturbing is the “screw everyone else” attitude that Americans seem to be taking toward each other. Rather than feeling bad for a family of four that somehow scrapes by on $22,000 a year (I make $14,000 as a single person and find living a middle class lifestyle extremely difficult, which is essentially what the Times article is arguing that having a tv, microwave, etc. amounts to–because it’s not ‘being poor’), we say, You’re Not Poor Enough! When asked if a man without insurance should be left to die in a hypothetical situation, audience members at the CNN-Tea Party Republican Debate yell, “YEAH!!!!” We applaud Gov. Rick Perry’s capital punishment of over 250 people in Texas, and virtually say, Die, Fellow Citizens, Die! We have eliminated collective bargaining rights for teachers and other public servants (see Wisconsin); we say, Screw you, greedy teachers, you don’t have real jobs! To the firefighters and police officers who risked their lives to run toward a set of burning, collapsing skyscrapers in the middle of Manhattan and who worked for months at the site of what was perhaps one of the most horrific moments of American history to search for survivors and the remains of the dead, we say, We don’t want to pay for your cancer treatment after you inhaled months’ worth of all kinds of carcinogenic debris to save lives!

This is a non-partisan question that I am raising here: why have we all taken up the attitude of “screw you” toward our fellow citizens? It is a question of American collective pride and support. It’s a question about who we are as a people, a society, a nation, when to our most vulnerable, hardest working, most deserving people, the ones that deserve our pity, our respect, or our help, we instead say “Screw You.”

Just think about it.

And hope you’re not at this point by the time you’re done.

There’s Nothing Funny About Living With Dudes

The New Girl is a television show airing on FOX, starring the adorable and quirky Zooey Deschanel. The main premise of the show, aside from Deschanel’s epic break-up, is the cute-but-totally-weird-and-awkward girl lives with three dudes, and isn’t that hilarious?!? One girl living with a bunch of guys!! AHHAAAA!

I am going to fill you in, America, there is nothing cute or funny about being the one girl living with a bunch of dudes. Take it from someone who did it: Nothing about it is funny and everything about it sucks.

Five Reasons Not to Move in With Your Guy Friends

1. Everything smells like male body odor and Axe.

Dudes smell. There’s just no way around it. Whether it’s dirty socks lurking in the living room or strange smells wafting into your bedroom from the room across the hall, there’s always a smell of dude sweat when you live with guys. Also, now that we have been blessed with Axe (because Old Spice just wasn’t cutting it for awful pseudo-cologne anymore), every bathroom always smells like a strange combination of cinnamon and musk, causing any person with asthma who enters to immediately have a coughing fit. Awesome.

2. If you weren’t bargaining for a parade of whores, you should have.

Guys are focused on one thing when they go out: getting chicks to come home with them. Get ready for a parade of different girls who range in attractiveness from the super hot to the painfully ugly tramping around your house at all hours of the night and awkwardly sneaking by so they don’t have to introduce themselves (or be introduced) to you. They (perhaps rightfully) fear your womanly judgment. Also, you will oftentimes find they’ve used the only girly products in the bathroom after they’ve fucked your roommate and took a shower before they did their walk of shame. Thanks, ladies. Much obliged. Additionally, every friend you ever invite over will not only be treated as a house guest, but will often be invited to be one of your roomies’ bed guest as well, because you no longer have friends: you have potential sex partners for your roommates.

3. You will know every song from every video game and the plot to every bad action flick forward and backward.

Your living room is no longer a living room. It is now what is called a “man cave.” That means the staple decorations are empty beer cans, three week old potato chips hiding beneath the rug, dirty dishes, and the lurking stray sock I mentioned before. The TV will only show the following: sports of all kinds (even those as obscure and stupid as curling), first person shooters and sports video games (if you don’t know that first term, live with dudes and it will become VERY familiar), bad action movies or other manly movies, sci-fi series movies–think Star Wars or Lord of the Rings, and other crappy and generally unfunny TV (e.g. Workaholics). Forget ever watching Grey’s Anatomy or Teen Mom or Say Yes to the Dress or Ghost or any Lifetime movie.

4. Your kitchen will always be sticky, dirty, and smell like something died in it.

Dudes generally suck at cooking and/or know nothing about storing food. This results in a lot of food particles and rotting bananas around your kitchen. Between this, sticky beer/alcohol residue, beer cans, and Chinese take out and pizza boxes, it’s basically impossible to navigate, let alone cook in this room. So, that Coq Au Vin recipe you were going to make for your boyfriend for your anniversary? Yeah, forget about it–go out.

5. They don’t see you as a girlfriend/sex partner, and therefore you fit into the same category as their mother.

You have passed from being drooled over as the sex object or chased after as the girlfriend into the friend zone. You aren’t an accessible vagina, and therefore when you ask for something, it’s nagging. Now you’ve entered the mom zone. Once this happens, all bets are off. Get used to being expected to clean up after your dude roomies, retrieve forks from their bedrooms when they all disappear from the kitchen, pick up those dirty socks in the living room, clean the bathroom fixtures, and take care of all the things their mothers have been doing for them for the last twenty two years.

So instead of living with four dudes, you, in the matter of a few weeks, have suddenly birthed quadruplets. Congratulations on being a New Mom!

Avril Lavigne is a Vampire.

Avril Lavigne hit it big about ten years ago, with the release of her album Let Go, which was a collection of sudo-punk-pop songs about boys, moving, and being an angsty teenager.  It was 2002.  She was 17ish.  It was obviously a magical time for everyone alive and with a radio.  “Complicated” was a No. 1 hit, “Sk8er Boi” was huge.  She was kind of a big deal.  As an angsty pre-teen, I was quite a fan.  She was right, “everything [was] changing, out of my control,” and I listened to this seemingly hard-shelled Canadian lady who yodeled, rapped and sang the same way I wrote poorly composed, wildly emotional poetry.
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Want to hear her rap?  Click here!
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At that age, I thought she was the coolest thing ever.  She had that long, flawless hair.  She wore a wife beater, a tie and boy-pants.  It blew my mind.  She wore plastic bracelets, skater shoes, sweatbands and all sorts of star-themed jewelry.  Her eyeliner was not messing around.  Duh, she was the coolest.  Even though I was chubby and still clearly in my awkward phase (of which I think I’m finally almost out), I emulated these style choices a little.  On the first day of high school, I wore a necklace I had made entirely from paperclips.  I went through a “dark” period, but we don’t need to worry about that.  What I really want to focus on is that Avril Lavigne was cool; she didn’t give a hoot, and it showed.

She went to the Grammy Awards in a weird blue and black tuxedo.  She messed with mall cops.  She gave the finger like it was her job.
She told stories of “boi”s and “gurlz” from different worlds… You know, like a white kid who is middle class, but still liked to skateboard, dating a girl who also has some money from her parents, but she does ballet.  So, obviously, there was nothing else she could say.

We were all haunted by her lyrical prowess.
Then, a few years passed by and everything seemed normal.  Avril released some more music, but I didn’t really care.  I had moved on to bigger and better things, you know, like Blink-182 and Incubus.  I wasn’t paying enough attention.  It wasn’t until recently, with the release of her latest album that I realized something: Avril Lavigne is a vampire.
Don’t believe me?  I have evidence.

2002

She Has Not Aged – At All

2011

She seriously looks the same.  Okay, she wears more make-up.  Okay, her hair is blonder and occasionally multi-colored.  Other than that, she looks the same.
Same!  Same!
She Also Hasn’t Matured – At All
Yeah, she wears more make up and she wears more skirts, but that doesn’t have a thing to do with actual maturity.  Her song lyrics are still simplistic and annoying.
For the Most Part, She Dresses the Same 
More skirts, fewer ties, still a teenage sk8er chick.
Her Music Is The Same – Weirdly the Same
Even when “Sk8er Boi” came out (ugh, writing that out still makes me cringe), I knew it was bad.  Almost 10 years later, Avril released “Girlfriend,” which is possibly one of the worst songs of the decade.  It’s pop-yelling, Canadian white girl rapping, sudo-punk, middle school anger pop.  It is awful.
Other people agree.  Click here!
Her latest song, “Wish You Were Here,” also has amazing lyrics:
There’s a girl
who gives a shit
behind this wall
You’ve just walked through itAnd I remember all those crazy things you said
You left them running through my head
You’re always there, you’re everywhere
But right now I wish you were here.
All those crazy things we did
Didn’t think about it, just went with it
You’re always there, you’re everywhere
But right now I wish you were hereDamn, Damn, Damn,
What I’d do to have you
here, here, here
I wish you were here.
Damn, Damn, Damn
What I’d do to have you
near, near, near
I wish you were here.
Damn, damn, damn… You’re a vampire!
She Can’t Tan – I think…
Or, at least, I’ve never seen her with a tan.
Her Teeth – They’re a Little Vampiric       
 
 
I want to suck your blood!

If you have additional evidence of Avril Lavigne being a vampire, please let us know.
Thus, SHE’S A VAMPIRE!