The smell of your bathroom products can, at times, be a big deal. I don’t know about everyone else, but I normally take a few minutes to smell the products that I’m buying for two reasons: I don’t like hating the way I smell and I don’t want the six hundred smells from all the different products to clash and make me smell like a trash can or a perfume-obsessed grandmother.
However, the other day I went to Target and purchased a new hairspray on the cheap: Suave Touchable Finish Hairspray. I thought, well, this looks all right. Let’s try it. I also happened to be in a bit of a hurry, so, contrary to my usual beauty product purchasing routine, I didn’t smell it first.
Oh, brother. I now am the proud owner of a product that makes me smell like a cotton candy factory. Might have been cool when I was 12, not so much when I’m 22. I didn’t realize that the pink stood for “Smell Like Treats Four Year Olds Love”!
The quality is decent, but the smell got me thinking about other beauty products and smells that drive me nuts.
I don’t really understand how these are different from perfume except that they usually smell worse and people think that because they aren’t perfume that they should use ten times as much. They really don’t accomplish much other than making women smell like cheap Thai hookers, too-ripe fruit, or a variety of sweets. This causes me to wonder who exactly wants to walk around smelling like food. It seems like you would attract more attention than you might have bargained for (e.g. from squirrels or other hungry animals).
As a short-haired woman, I love me some hair wax, but I hate buying it. There doesn’t seem to be any standards for what terms like “wax,” “paste,” “fiber,” or “gum” mean, what texture they will give your hair, or what texture they have on their own. They vary from a nearly solid paste-like substance to semi-solid material to runny goop that makes you look like you have respectfully declined to wash your hair for the last two weeks.
I, like many other people, continue to buy these stupid little things even though they continuously disappoint me. They kind of, sort of work, but more often than not, I’m more frustrated with what I think is left in my pores than what these suckers pulled out. Why? Why do I keep buying these?! Oh, yeah, it’s because every other product that claims to clean your pores also sucks. Man has walked on the moon but has yet to come up with a good way of cleaning his or her pores.
That’s all from me, but what beauty products leave you feeling angry, disappointed, or smelling weird?
So, Michele Bachmann is on the cover of Newsweek. Before I rant, I want to make it perfectly clear that I hate Michele Bachmann. I think she is a backwards, hateful, foolish woman, and I would love the chance to pour glittery gay glitter all over her stupid, crazy face. She is a crazy bitch and I hope she fails hard. That said, what Newsweek’s editor did with this cover doesn’t sit well with me. Honestly, it’s just plain mean. Mean, by the way, is not good journalism. Take a look at the photo in question.
She looks straight-up crazy. I mean, she is crazy, so it makes sense, but it doesn’t make it okay for Newsweek to present her like this. Let her words make her crazy known. Let her ridiculous prejudices and hateful rantings be her downfall. Don’t take the easy route by simply attacking her appearance. I’m all for shaming Michele Bachmann, ALL FOR IT, but it has to be done in a better way. When I make fun of Bill O’Reilly, I don’t say that he’s a fat, ugly slob, even though he is. I criticize his ridiculous claims, he made up facts and his general bullshit. When I make fun of John Boehner, it’s not because he’s a sniveling, crying baby; it’s because he’s a stupid, illogical, lying, terrible politician.
My point is that she is an awful person, but that we should attack her politics and not her crazy eyes. It’s trashy, easy and cheap. Be better. Newsweek isn’t a blog; it should do better.
Finally, because this is a blog, screw Bachmann. She’s awful.
Oh, Neil Patrick Harris… I expect more from you.
“The Smurfs” is a little art film about the struggle of being different, being a minority, and facing the big hand of big brother and the man as they try to crush the little guy… Wait, wait, wait… “The Smurfs” is actually a big-budget bullcrap movie ripping off an old cartoon with a bunch of random a-listers. Boring and likely awful. But, whatever! That’s not our issue today.
The issue today is that I went to the theatre to see “Crazy, Stupid Love,” which by the way was amazing, and I saw some people with blue paint on their faces. Why? I just couldn’t figure it out. It’s not Halloween… Avatar’s not showing… Hmm, why are there a bunch of ADULTS with blue face paint on? One or two of the women even had little white hats on. And then, I looked up and saw it… A poster for the smurf movie, and I realized that adults had dressed up in the middle of the day to go see a movie about smurfs. Blerg. I quickly exited the theatre and proceeded to laugh hysterically, because, well, it’s ridiculous.
Yes, I’m being judgmental. That’s what this blog is for. In fact, the only acceptable reasons to be blue in public on non-Halloween days are:
1. You are in a show/play/movie that requires blue-ness.
2. Bar Crawls – no rules, just drunk.
3. You’re choking… Though, I don’t want you to be choking.
4. You are in the Blue Man Group… OR You really want to be, and you might even be an understudy. Right, Tobias?
I’m just really disappointed in adults for dressing up as smurfs… At least make it a smurf drinking party. I mean, doesn’t that sound like more fun than popcorn? Now that I think about it, maybe this was the pre-game to a real smurf rager. Hmm, I can only hope.
You’ve heard the damn joke. The one about the damn duck. Just in case, here’s my angry-fied version:
A duck walks into a bar and asks, “Got any grapes?”
The bartender, who is rightly confused, tells the duck that no, his bar doesn’t serve grapes. The duck says, “Thank you,” and leaves.
The next day, the same stupid talking duck returns and asks, “Got any grapes?”
Again, the reasonable and strangely unalarmed by the talking duck bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes. Maybe he even offers the duck grape vodka, but no real grapes.
The duck, as unaffected as ever, just says, “Thanks, but no thanks,” and leaves like a jerk.
The next day, the duck is back and the same damn thing happens again.
The day after that, the duck comes again (also, like a jerk), and says, “Got any grapes?”
Since the bartender is finally annoyed and realizing that a stupid duck is TALKING TO HIM, he yells, “Duck! This is a bar! We don’t serve any friggin’ grapes! We barely serve bar buts, you ass! If you ask for grapes again, I’ll nail your stupid yellow beak to the damn bar!”
So, then the next day, THE FRICKIN’ DUCK COMES BACK. The bartender is too mad to speak. The duck just looks at him with his stupid duck eyes and says, “Got any nails?”
The bartender furrows his brow, and says, “NO,” with quiet rage.
The duck smirks like an asshole and says, “Well, then… Got any grapes?”
While I have to acknowledge that my angry version of this joke is probably funnier than the original, it’s still awful.
I hate this joke. I will never acknowledge its humor. Why does the stupid duck want grapes? Ducks don’t even eat those! Ducks are crazy! They don’t give a wisp of a care about grapes. My dog would eat anything, but grapes were a mystery to him and I think they just weirded him out… IF A DOG WON’T EAT GRAPES, WHY THE HELL WOULD A DUCK? Ridiculous.
Also, why is a duck in a bar? Why can the duck talk? Why is this NEVER ADDRESSED? Why isn’t the bartender more freaked out by the fact that the duck is talking?
Ugh… I hate this joke.
God. And there’s a song?!?!?!?!
Readers, what jokes do you find most unacceptable? Let me know.
Giving someone the bird used to mean something. It should make the receiver feel stupid, ashamed, aghast, angry, and weak; the giver powerful, secure, and bad ass. But now, giving the finger just makes you look like a giant douche.
Like the douchebros you see above, particularly the one waving the bird in the center of the group, giving the finger–in a photo particularly–has lost any of the edginess it used to hold. Rather than making you look like a bad ass rockstar saying “fuck you!” to authority and convention, you just end up looking lame.
But why is this? It’s not because the bird has changed; rather the acceptable nature of it has changed. It’s no longer all that offensive because everyone does it.
When people like Avril Lavigne, the awkward chick from Twilight (otherwise known as Kristen Stewart), and Biebs are giving the finger, it loses its edge. I’m no longer thinking, “Dang, that person is a total bad ass.” I’m thinking more along the lines of, “Doesn’t Biebs talk about loving Jesus? Why is Avril Lavigne trying so hard to be cool? God, that Twilight chick is even more awkward when she’s trying to look tough…”
So to you, guy lurking in the back of photos trying to look cool: lose the finger. You’re ruining it, along with these douches, for people when they really need to use it. Like when some gross dude hits on you, or when someone cuts you off in traffic, or when someone nearly runs you over when you’re crossing the street. These are times when the finger works, because it’s directed at a person you feel animosity toward, and it says, “Hey–Fuck you.” And it is appropriately deserved. You can’t just do it in a picture and have it mean the same thing. Unless you’re Keith Richards or that soccer baby.
Because you’re either older that dirt and you amaze me by even still being alive, which means you gave the proverbial finger to death himself, or…
you’re the youngest, angriest Dutch soccer fan alive.
So put your hand down and quit ruining the best possible way of expressing silent indignation for the rest of us.
And, oh yeah, this one’s for you:
We get it. You’re hot. Now, stop being naked.
These ladies are all very attractive, and are also all insisting on wearing only half-shirts, which are weirdly baggy and occasionally see-through. Why? Why is this popular? These girls just look sloppy, trashy and desperate for attention. The only one that looks half-decent right now is Audrina Patridge. She looks the classiest and she’s wearing a sheer top. This trend keeps coming back and I keep seeing it around town, at the mall, on dates and at the bar. I just don’t get it though. Why can’t we keep our tummies to ourselves?
Also, apparently bustiers are back in fashion. (see below)
These things are pretty much lingerie called casual wear, but it doesn’t change that you look like a hussy. That’s right. This makes me so mad, I’m calling people hussies again.
Both of these girls look mostly naked, and while I’m sure they would get plenty of male attention in these tops, I hope that the hatred of other women would be enough to shut it down. So, stop it. Stop being naked!
These are just lace! Come on!
Wearing something like this just makes a girl look desperate and a little skanky. Good for you that you feel incredibly confident. Seriously, that much really is great because too many people are overly worried about their bodies. My worry is that these girls are not actually really self-conscious and seeking attention from men to fill the voids their minds cannot. It makes me sad. It reminds me of how I feel on Saturday and Sunday morning when I watch the great migration home… the girls coming home from random dudes’ bedrooms.
On top of all of this, these stupid crop tops are sneaking into suits and suit-like things allowing people to be subtly slutty. Not cool. Even if you are wearing a suit jacket, and even if that jacket is black instead of pink, your crop top is still a little slutty and also a little dumb. Really, this looks ridiculous. Big balloon shorts in orange. Over-sized, yet short-sleeved jacket. Plus, a black low-cut crop top. Oh, good.