Recently, I’ve received a lot of “sexts,” or sexy text messages, and I have to say: “Ew.” Why are men sending me promises of pleasure and mental images of things I don’t need or want to imagine. It got me thinking about when sexting is okay, and when it’s clearly not. I feel like sending one of these assumes the other person is up for it (literally or not), and if that person isn’t, they’re going to be super creeped out. For example, me. I am creeped out by sext-messages. On one hand, it’s good to know ahead of time that someone is going to attempt to chase after my lady lumps. On the other hand, maybe dudes shouldn’t assume I feel like sending tedious text messages back and forth like it’s some sort of foreplay. First of all, if I want to sleep with you, I will. If I don’t want to sleep with you, a text message that promises a night of non-stop tickets to pleasuretown isn’t gonna change a thing. Seriously, it’s not going to make me want you. It will, however, get a blog post written about you and forever be standard part of my stand-up routine.
Since I’ve already written an obviously amazing user’s guide to Friends With Benefits, or Les Amies Sexuelles, I feel that I need to give the world another user’s guide. Here you go, world. Enjoy.
Sexting 101: A User’s Guide to Sexting
Before we begin discussing rules, let’s review a few situations of sexting and how they went right or wrong.
We’ll call him Wesley (because it is an awesome name). He met a nice young lady named Wendy (because I like alliteration) and they really hit it off. They decided to go out on a date, which is unusual because they are in their 20s, and most people in that age group are more prone to “hang out” instead of “date.” Anyways, the two went on their very nice date, which ended with some saucy making out and some innocent squeezing/grabbing/petting. After they parted for the evening, Wesley set up their next date via text. He described a beautiful dinner with high-quality wine and Wendy swooned. She thought, “How did I get so lucky? I finally met a nice guy!” Wendy responded by saying, “Dinner sounds lovely. Would you like to do anything after?” This is where Wesley went wrong. He responded, “Well, I’m planning on having a light dinner to save room for dessert.” Wendy got nervous and didn’t immediately respond. Wesley took the initiative and proceeded to explain exactly what he planned on eating and how he planned on eating it. Wendy was horrified, she laughed, she nervously shivered, she swore, and promptly cancelled their date.
Why is this wrong?
It’s wrong because Wesley had taken Wendy on only one date and they had established any kind of sexual relationship or sexual language at this point. Sure, the girl kissed him on the first date, but she was clearly leaving some things to the imagination. Ah, yes, the imagination. It seems Wesley let his get the best of him. He went too lewd too fast. Wendy might have been up for some veiled innuendos to what dessert might be; she might have been quite interested in hearing about the vague plans he had for her. Yet, as soon as he got specific about the lady-parts he had not yet seen or touched, she felt uncomfortable and a little grossed out.
Rule #1: Know your audience.
Whitney and Bobby (no, not that Whitney and Bobby) really wanted to bone, but couldn’t due to some mental issues Bobby was having at the time. These “mental issues” or “nerves” as they’re often called by doctors, made it impossible for Bobby to “stand tall.” Eventually the stress of ED tore their relationship apart and they broke-up. Ever since then, Bobby calls and texts Whitney to profess his love and desire for her – when drunk. When Bobby sobers up, he claims he has no feelings for her. (We call this a cycle, or as doctors would say, bullshit.) Late one evening, Bobby was innocently texting Whitney to see if she was out on the town, as he was. Since it was a Tuesday, and Whitney has a job, she explained that she was actually home and about to hit the hay. Then, it got weird. He explained that he would like to get into that bed with her and that he would like to make her Tuesday nice and “exciting.” She tried to decline, but he insisted that he would be rubbing and bumping things all night. She, again, declined. He still persisted until she started swearing and texting in all caps. It did not end well.
Why is this wrong?
He couldn’t take a hint. Also, he pretended to have some kind of sexual prowess, which their previous relationship proved very, very false. If he couldn’t do the thing before, why would he be able to do it now?
Rule #2: If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not gonna, so stop.
Don: You busy tonight?
Donna: I could find some time… depends on what you’re offering…
Don: I would make it worth your while.
Donna: Oh, really? How so?
Don: I’m gonna bleep bleep your bleep so bleepy bleep you’ll bleep all night.
Donna: Oh yeah, baby. I wanna bleep your bleep so bleepy too.
Don: I’ll be there in 10.
Why this is right?
They’re both participating. They clearly know each other well enough and have probably established their sexual relationship beyond confusion. This means, they both know what’s going on. It’s cool.
Rule #3: Meet your partner’s intensity level. Do not assume they agree with you.
We’ll alert you when Sexting 102 comes out.