Now that the world has experienced “No Strings Attached,” and with the release of a very similar movie, “Friends with Benefits,” I realize that the whole F-Buddies concept is becoming a lifestyle choice. In this lifestyle, your “F-Buddy,” your “Friend w/ Benefits,” or whatever you’re calling that person is not in a relationship with you, but does have a relationship with you. This is the part we’re forgetting, I think. Hollywood has discovered that even if you’re not dating someone, but you’re sleeping with them regularly, you will develop a rapport, a relationship and maybe even feelings. Shocking!
Actually, it’s not shocking… Consider the situation: 2 people, nudity, kissing, other-stuff, probably a little chatting along the way. It makes sense that sometimes those people would be interested in each other. However, sometimes this isn’t how it ends. Sometimes, people have sex and then they don’t fall in love. It’s true. There are adults who aren’t meant to be.
Because this situation is gaining popularity, here’s a little cheat sheet.
THE USER’S GUIDE TO FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS
- If you don’t want to fall in love with the person you’re banging, pick someone awful and possibly stupid. This way, when you do wander into the murky waters of chatting, you’ll be too disappointed, annoyed and confused to actually be interested. If you kind of hate them, you can have pretty intense hate-fueled sex without worrying about silly feelings.
- If you do want to fall in love with the person who’s banging you, be amazing at everything and make sure they are too. (In other words, make sure you each look like A-list celebrities, ie – Natalie Portman, Ashton Kutcher, Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake.) If you’re the most attractive person in the world except for the person you’re sleeping with, things might get complicated. Also try being super interesting, funny, relaxed and caring.
- Sickness. If you want them to love you, take care of them when they’re sick. If not, don’t do it.
- How old are you? Over 30? Maybe you should just date.
- Are you under 21? What the f*@# is wrong with you?! You’re too young for this. Stop it!
- Alcohol. Drinking it will help you have more fun. After all, friends with benefits is all about fun.
- Grooming. Would you shave your business to go shopping with your bffs? If no, don’t for a simple session of bumping uglies. If yes, do your thing. Just remember to consider the implications of your landscape art.
- Don’t get dinner, don’t go on trips, don’t do “dates.” If you’re not dating and you don’t want to be, don’t do dating stuff. Seriously, just don’t go to restaurants. Don’t watch movies together. Boom, foreplay. Boom, sex. Boom, have a great night and I’ll you later. Simple.
- Absolutely no cute text messages. Only sexting. Only when necessary.
- Time limits, people. It has to end at some point. Either end it before you feel something, or end it as soon as you start to feel those pesky feelings. Know what you want and hold your lines. You are in control of your destiny… blah blah blah.
Got it? Good.