Alcoholism and You (and U)

There is a joke among college students that they are protected from being called alcoholics for the duration of college because of the nature of drinking habits at their age.  This makes graduation even harder.  As soon as the tassel moves from one side of the head to the other, you’ve become an alcoholic adult, not just an irresponsible student.  Sorry.

So, now that you’ve graduated, here are a few guidelines for deciding whether or not you have a problem.

  1. You insist you drive better after a few drinks.
  2. You’ve woken up in the bushes so many times, you’ve named them.
  3. You have a choice between sex with a hot girl or more bourbon (you are a straight male), and you choose the bourbon.
  4. The last time you went grocery shopping, you only bought alcohol and you spent over $100, and you weren’t having a party.
  5. In a blind taste test, you could distinguish between and name Busch Light, Labatt’s Blue Light, Miller Light, Bud Light, Pabst, etc.
  6. You often wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy and then proceed to brush your teeth with a bottle of Jack.
  7. You often wake up hoarse, but have no recollection of why you yelled, or at whom you shouted.
  8. Your credit card statement reads like a map of local bars.
  9. Even your mother has seen you drunk.  And your dad, and grandma, and sister, and the kids you used to babysit.
  10. Your text message outbox is your retro-active memory database.
  11. You could buy Stoli, but you’d rather have 5 bottles of Burnett’s.
  12. Over the course of the last week, you’ve been drunk 8 times.

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