Bathroom Etiquette

If I asked you what were the three things you must do before leaving a public restroom, what would you answer? My bet is this: flush, wash your hands, and throw away the paper towel (if there is any). If you eat at a lot of nice restaurants, you may answer “tip the attendant.” Or, if you’re a guy and you frequent select bars with piss troughs, you might skip “flush.” But I think we can all agree that these three things are pretty important.

When to Flush

ALWAYS. EVERY TIME. NO MATTER WHAT. ARE YOU KIDDING? I don’t know how many times I’ve gone into a public bathroom to find that someone has forgotten or declined to flush the toilet. And I take this very seriously. To all you non flushers, listen bitches: I’m tired of seeing your pee–or worse–lingering long after you’re gone. You not only interrupt the flow of people because, let’s face it, no one appreciates the present(s) you’ve left behind and no one wants to go anywhere near that, but you are the epitome of rude. If you’re going to use a public restroom, do the public a favor and don’t make your business public. That is private, always, always, always!

When to Wash Your Hands

Again, ALWAYS. Gross! Didn’t you learn this in Kindergarten or Pre-School (if not at home)? I don’t want you to leave and do something like, I don’t know, cook my food? Make my latte? Thanks, but keep your germs to yourself. And yes, when I’m in the stall and you’re supposed to be washing your hands, I can hear that you didn’t. You didn’t even bother to run the faucet! From now on, I’m going to look at your shoes and make sure I don’t go anywhere near you, you dirty, dirty woman.

Where to Put the Paper Towel

In the TRASH CAN. Not in the sink. Not on the floor. Are you three years old? You know what a trash can is. Use it!

As a post script to this section, let’s talk briefly about tampons. Put. Them. In. The. Trash. And if you’re going to flush them, for the love of god, actually FLUSH! And if you’re dumb enough to do that to begin with, at least have the decency to let management know you’ve clogged the toilet when that plan backfires, instead of leaving it there for fellow patrons of the establishment to discover, you jerk.


Remember what your mother used to say when you didn’t shut the door? “We don’t live in a barn.” Yeah, well, you don’t pee in an outhouse, either. Get it together, ladies!

4 thoughts on “Bathroom Etiquette

  1. Oh man!! This needs posted on every restroom that exist to wo(man)! This is a typical topic for me because I’m light weight OCD and people are straight triffling! Not to mention the “courtesy” flush! We can barely get the general one but the courtesy is out the door. Again, makes me think about how they are at home and I dread the day if a black light probes through that home!!! LOVED IT! HA! :D

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