Facebook can be great for a lot of things: getting or keeping in touch with old friends, networking, and even facilitating social change (see Egypt, for example). But there are a lot of other things you really should keep off Facebook…
Facebook is going to the dogs
Nearly all of us have one picture or another of us and our pets on Facebook. Not that out of the ordinary. But I don’t want to see an entire album of your Pomeranian in sixteen different outfits with matching hats. Why are people dressing their animals in nicer clothes than I can afford for myself?! Does your cat really understand that its wearing a Gucci collar with matching diaper, and not just a fucking uncomfortable thing on its ass and neck? Keep that shit outta my newsfeed.
Keep your xrays, ultrasounds, and scope photos and videos off Facebook. Hell, off the internet. I’m glad you want to show the whole world your baby (or your asshole; or maybe one in the same) but can you at least wait until you pop it out of your vag? Are you really that impatient? Have not enough people come up to you and rubbed your belly and oggled/made goo goo sounds at it? Pregnant women already get an ass load of attention, whether it is desired or not. Stop being even more of an attention whore. As for your asshole/gullet, I’m really, really happy you’re healthy. But do I really need to see the lining of your colon or esophagus? No. In fact, I often hop on Facebook while eating dinner. Thanks for making me vomit on my laptop. That will be $900, please.
Good Mourning, Facebook
I know the intention behind Sympathy Messages/Remembrance Statuses is often good. I’m not saying it isn’t, but I will venture that it seems, or can at least come across as, insincere. It takes little effort and little thought to type a quick “I’m sorry!” on someone’s Facebook wall. Is it really that difficult to go and buy a sympathy card or mail a note? Another thing you should never do: Update from the Funeral Home. Don’t be that girl. For the love of all that is sacred, don’t be that girl on your Blackberry updating your Facebook status during the memorial service at the funeral home. It is disrespectful and completely UNNECESSARY. Additionally, you don’t need to list “going to the funeral home for so-and-so” in your status updates next to the hours you’re working and the fact that you’re going to the bar that night. Nor do you need to run home from the funeral home to get on Facebook and broadcast that you went. Have some respect!
The first rule of Facebook Fight Club is you don’t talk about Facebook Fight Club.
Getting divoriced? Found out your boyfriend is cheating on you? Caught your fiancé with a transvestite stripper? Great, but I don’t need to be privvy to the minute details of said event, nor do I need your fights being transcribed on my newsfeed. Couples, keep your dirty laundry off Facebook. No one is sympathizing–everyone is, however, laughing. At your expense. As for you folks who are married and have children over the age of fifteen who have Facebook? There’s no reason your kids need to read transcribed parental fights online, nor do their friends. Knock it off and grow up.
I just want everyone to know: “Call/Text it!”
Listen, asshole, if I wanted to get in touch with you by phone, I surely don’t need a command from your Facebook profile to do it. I also don’t need to know that you “OMG LUVZ MY BOYFRAN &&& FAMILY!!!`~~`1!<3333<3<3” STOP. CROWDING. THE. NEWSFEED. YOU. ATTENTION. GRUBBING. WHORE. You need to hangout with Preggo Lookit MyUltrasound over in paragraph 2.
And today from 2-5 I’ll be getting my asshole bleached at 21122 S. Sherman Ave..
Yep, don’t need your daily schedule. Really unnecessary. And frankly, I just don’t care. On top of that, who knows if one of your 1200 Facebook friends that you met once when you were plastered at that sketch house party is actually a serial killer. You just made his efforts to stalk you a WHOLE lot easier. Might wanna check your backseat before you leave work.
Jesus is my personal Lord and Savior, and he’s tagged in 499 of my photos!
I can deal with people posting psalms or verses. Sometimes it annoys me, but most of the time I just ignore it. But when every single status update you post is about how AWESOME Jesus is and how everyone else just *doesn’t understand* the sheer kick assness of the lord, and how you’ve been having such an AMAZING time at your 650 church meetings a week, you begin to sincerely make me angry. Stop trying to Evangelize via Facebook. Take that shit to ChristianSingles.com.
No, did you really just water your farm? Plant some seeds? Good, cause I’m imagining a 60 foot hungry rabbit coming and eating all of it. Don’t care about your virtual field and STOP INVITING ME AND CROWDING MY NEWSFEED, DAMNIT!
In conclusion, dear Reader, I pose this question to you: What is the most annoying or crazy thing you’ve seen on your own newsfeed?