Why am I still single? People ask me this question constantly. Why am I not in a relationship? Why don’t I have a steady man in my life? You’d think people would catch on to how rude this is…
“Why are you still single? You’re so great!”
“Oh my god! I can’t believe you’re single! How is that possible?”
or the worst – “Why are you STILL single?”
Thank you for the added emphasis, but it’s possible, jerks. And it’s reality.
Part of me wants to make the argument that I’m perfectly fine by myself and that I want to be alone so that I can get to know myself and all that bull. I guess that is partially true. I don’t hate being single; it’s actually been quite nice. You don’t have to make time for someone else, or do your hair, or look nice. That much rules. It’s SO nice to just do your thing without worrying about a partner. Plus, I was so consumed with relationships before. See, I was always (and I mean always) in a relationship from the time I was 14 years old to 20 years old. I liked most of the guys okay, a couple of them I even loved, but I spent my teens focused on “us”s, when I should have been focused on me. I forgot a lot of what I really liked. I had lost a lot of pieces of myself and denied myself the opportunity to discover them. For example, I am funny and no man ever really appreciated that before.
Blah. Blah. Blah.
Then, I got dumped.
Cry. Cry. Cry.
Whine. Whine. Whine.
Wine. Wine. Wine.
I dealt with it, sort of. As first, getting dumped was the worst thing that had ever happened to me. Worse than Twilight. Worse than seeing my mom naked. Worse than being hit on by a drunken, crazy, possibly homeless man. When I got dumped, I went totally bonkers and didn’t know how to deal with it. Now, when I say I went bonkers, I mean that I was emotionally spent and I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was sad, just really sad. I didn’t go quite to the extreme that we’ve all seen from Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears; I just went regular crazy. So I got drunk and made-out with a few randoms. All in all, I did okay. I didn’t have sex with anyone, I didn’t get into any serious danger, and I didn’t really lose any friends. I just drank a little Jose Quervo, and danced with some dudes with weird names. So, yeah, I did alright. Now that it’s been over a year of self-discovery, singledom or whatever else the rom-coms are calling it this year, I’m ready to be in a relationship. I’m ready to be seeing the same person more than once, to kiss someone more than once and to have a couple of inside jokes.
Thus, I really hate the question: “Why are you still single?” In my fantasies, I say back: “Because no one wants to date me, you ass!,” and then the asker feels ashamed… at least, in my head they feel ashamed. Instead, what normally happens is that someone asks me this stupid question, and then I am forced to come up with some reasonable, not passive-aggressive-sounding, actual excuse. Usually what comes out is: “Well, I’m really busy.” or “I just really love being single right now.” Part of me believes these reasons to be true. Right now, I’m not up for a time-consuming, life-altering relationship. Yet, I do feel a little like a loser because I don’t have anyone to make-out with.
My point is: stop asking me! If someone is single (even if they’re lovin’ it), they don’t want to answer that question. Being single is stigmatized, especially for women, and it’s a sore-spot. It’s like asking someone why they’re bald… “Oh, I just really love the way the wind feels on my scalp.” Yeah, they might like the wind, but being bald probably still sucks most of the time.
You know what? The next time someone asks, “Why are you still single?” I’m just going to say, “Herpes.” Who’s uncomfortable now?!?! Muah ha ha! Muah ha ha!
Other dream answers to “Why are you still single?”
- “My probation officer thinks it’s best if I stay single for a little while.”
- “I’m not single. I’m one of Charlie Sheen’s girlfriends.”
- “I’m not single per se… Also, we really need to have a serious talk about your husband/boyfriend because secrets bother me.”
- Immediately start crying.
- “I would date, but then I might end up like you.”
Ultimately, the truth is… a lot of single girls are enjoying their time, but don’t really want it thrown in their faces like they’re making some kind of social statement. They are probably happy, and maybe just a little bit lonely. Leave the singles alone (oh, you know what I mean…)!